For the past few months I’ve been feeling down, maybe even longer. A year, maybe two, maybe three. I’ve lost track. I’ve lost track of the person I am. I find myself being sad more often than happy. I get angry at myself for some of the choices I make. Sometimes it’s as silly as going straight for the train after work instead of hitting the gym other times it’s forgetting to say thank you for a delicious dinner mum’s cooked, or for my partner for always being there regardless of my mood.
I’ve been taking life and everyone around for granted of late. I’ve been taking myself for granted too.
Life is beautiful but it’s also short. I’ve been blessed with family and friends, good health and a roof over my head. I live in a country that values freedom of speech, that you can do and be anything you want. Sure there are ups and downs with the economy as well as our moods, crime has been on the rise as has the cost of living, and unemployment is a worry. However, all these factors don’t always have a direct impact on our lives, at least not most of the time. If it’s not within our control, than we shouldn’t be losing sleep over it.
I have high expectations of myself and hence high expectations of other people. I’m not sure where this side of me comes from but it’s there and even though I’ve tried to contain it, it gets out and gets me into trouble. I’m not a perfectionist, at least I don’t think so, but I do hate getting things wrong. If I make a mistake at work I beat myself up about it for ages. If I say the wrong thing, I start to fear speaking to strangers or even socialising with people I know.
I’m my own worst self critic and this is stopping me from appreciating life and all it has to offer.
Once upon a time I was cheerful and bubbly. I could walk into a room full of strangers and talk to anyone. Starting and keeping a conversation was easy, so was having a laugh. Nowadays it’s like a different person lives in my body and I’m not sure how that’s happened.
I worry about what I’m going to talk about with friends, whether I’ll meet my goals for the year, whether I’ll ever fulfil my dream of writing full time, finishing and publishing a novel, starting a business, taking a year off to travel the world, having a family, being happy, run for another few decades, finish another half Ironman, and so much more. It’s like this spiral of worry that has gotten out of control and is preventing me from doing the things that matter, living my life.
I’m so scared of failure, embarrassment and ridicule that I’m not taking the plunge to start fulfilling all of my dreams and reaching my full potential. I’m jeopardising my own success, whether it’s not following a training regime I’ve created for myself, surfing the net instead of writing a query letter, worrying about commenting on other websites because heaven forbid they might not like me. Seriously, the insecurity and the fear is getting out of hand.
The only reason I’ve been feeling down is because of me. I am to blame for my negativity and inactivity. The only reason my goals have not come to fruition is because I’ve slacked of for fear of failure and hence failing anyway.
So enough is enough. I want to start appreciating the people and the things in my life. There’s always going to be a mixture of good, bad and mediocre. That’s life. Now it’s time to be more happy than sad. I’m going to make a conscious effort to be grateful every day, to smile and laugh more, and to work towards my dreams without fear of rejection or ridicule.
I’ve rambled on a bit so to finish up, here’s a few things I’m grateful for today:
– my family who are always there for me and put up with my poor attitude of late
– for having a wonderful and understanding partner who knows how to put a smile on my face and supports my goals and aspirations, I don’t know how he manages to put up with me sometimes
– the wonderful close friends I have in my life, who are always ready to listen and believe in me and my dreams
– for having a roof over my head, and a great job with good pay and lovely coworkers
– for living in Australia, a vast and beautiful country which has so much to offer
– for being able to have dreams and have the ability to pursue them
– for being blessed with a love for sport, running, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle with the occasional glass (or bottle) of wine
– for having had the opportunity to travel, live overseas, meet lots of people, finish university
– for Friday nights at home snuggled in bed writing and drinking Stanthorpe wine
– for being able to share here today with you
Wishing you all a fabulous weekend!
